Hey Reader,
Welcome to your weekly Mezzo moment!
This Week's Theme: Why It's Probably Not 50/50
Let's address the elephant in the room: caregiving responsibilities almost never divide equally among siblings (or parents for that matter).
One lives closest. One has the most flexible job. One has always been "the responsible one." One has kids, one doesn't. One has a messy history with Mom, one was always the favorite. And somehow, all of these factors conspire to create a situation where you're doing 80% of the work while the rest calls once a month and thinks they're involved.
Or maybe you're the sibling who lives far away, sending money and feeling guilty that you can't be there, while your sister makes you feel like a villain for having moved.
Here's the uncomfortable truth: there's often no objectively "fair" way to divide caregiving. Everyone's capacity, history, and relationship with your parent is different. And those differences don't disappear just because one of your parents need your help now.
This week, we're talking about why caregiving loads fall unevenly, why it triggers so much resentment, and how to navigate it without nuking your family relationships in the process.
Spoiler: it starts with a conversation most families are avoiding.
Hereβs what weβre diving into this week:
- In the News
- Quick Win
- Deep Dive Topic of the Week
- Meal Plan (for you or your loved one)
- Support
Letβs get into it. π
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IN THE NEWS: Worth Your Limited Reading Time
- βHow to use FSA funds on everyday essentials β Business Insider β I love how we all save our FSA money as if we aren't going to have any left over at the EOY...
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- βMore people are lifting weights. It's changing gym culture β NY Times β Strength training is important as we all age. This is one trend we're happy to see and we hope is here to stay.
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- βCheerios, Pringles and Nutella among thousands of products recalled after exposure to rodent waste β The Independent β These recalls are getting out of control!
π₯ QUICK WIN OF THE WEEK
Action: The Assumption Audit
Before you have the conversation with your siblings/spouse, do this first: audit your assumptions.
Grab a piece of paper and answer honestly:
- What do I assume my siblings know about Mom/Dad's (or kids) daily needs?
- What do I assume they should be doing without being asked?
- What do I assume about why they're not helping more?
- What might they be assuming about me?
Why this matters: Resentment often builds on unspoken expectations. You're furious your brother doesn't visit more β but have you actually told him how bad things have gotten? You assume your sister knows Dad can't cook for himself anymore β but does she?
Sometimes siblings/spouses aren't being selfish. Sometimes they genuinely don't know what's needed because no one's explicitly told them.
The audit doesn't excuse anyone. It just clears the fog before the real conversation.
Deep Dive: The Psychology of Unequal Caregiving
If you're the sibling carrying most of the caregiving load, you've probably asked yourself some version of: How did I get here? Why is this all on me?
Your screws aren't loose. The answer is complicated β and it usually has roots that go back decades before your parent ever needed help.
Family roles get assigned early.
In most families, children unconsciously adopt roles: the responsible one, the peacemaker, the rebel, the golden child. These roles solidify over time. When a parent needs care, our families often default back to those old patterns unconsciously.
I know this to be true because I'm still working through it with my family.
If you were always the one who handled things, you'll probably keep handling things. Your siblings aren't necessarily being malicious β they may genuinely believe you've "got it" because you always have. Or if you're not playing that role, maybe it's a gender role because you're the only girl.
Geography matters more than anyone admits.
The sibling who lives closest typically shoulders more hands-on care. It's not fair, but it's physics. And the long-distance sibling often underestimates what's involved because they only see snapshots during visits.
Meanwhile, the local sibling can start to resent being the "default" just because they're closest.
Everyone's grieving differently.
Your sister's absence might look like avoidance β and maybe it is. But it might also be her way of dealing with watching your parent decline. Some people jump in during crisis; others pull back. Neither response is inherently right or wrong, but they definitely create friction when you're the one that doesn't have the option of whether or not to show up.
Money and time aren't equivalent, but they both count.
The sibling who sends money but can't be present often feels guilty and undervalued. The sibling who's physically present but financially stretched feels unseen. Both contributions matter, but they're hard to compare β and families often don't try, letting resentment grow instead.
Old wounds resurface.
Caregiving has a way of excavating every unresolved family conflict. If your brother was always the favorite, that will sting more when he's absent now. If your parents were harder on you, you may resent being the one they depend on now. Caregiving doesn't create these dynamics β it just turns up the volume.
So what do you do with all this?
First, recognize that your feelings are valid. Resentment doesn't make you petty β it makes you human.
Second, accept that fair and equal aren't the same thing. Equal would be everyone doing identical tasks. Fair accounts for different capacities, distances, and circumstances. Aim for fair.
Third, communicate explicitly. The conversation you're avoiding? It's probably the one that needs to happen. Not with accusations, but with information and specific asks.
Your siblings can't read your mind. They may not understand what's needed until you spell it out β not in a moment of frustration, but in a planned conversation where you actually explain the situation and ask for specific help.
Which brings us to the scripts ATTACHED HERE...in case you could use some help.
The Waitlist Is Finally Open!!
Built by caregivers for caregivers, Villy is the best solution to help you manage and share care for your loved ones, without sacrificing your career, relationships, or sanity.
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π₯ͺ WEEKLY MEAL PLAN (for you or your parents)
30-Minute Meals on a Budget: Freezer-Friendly Edition
(Make ahead. Thank yourself later.)
These meals freeze beautifully β double the batch on a calmer day and stock your freezer for the chaotic ones.
MONDAY: Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soupβ
TUESDAY: Eggs & Toast (Any Time of Day)β
WEDNESDAY: Quesadillas with Whatever's in the Fridgeβ
THURSDAY: Pasta with Butter & Parmesanβ
FRIDAY: Rotisserie Chicken & Bagged Saladβ
SATURDAY: Bean & Cheese Burritosβ
SUNDAY: Slow Cooker Chicken Tacos (Hands-Off Recovery Day)
βFor more details on these meals, click here.β
WEEKLY GROCERY ESTIMATE: ~$55-60 for a family of 4
The Theme This Week: Low effort. High comfort. No guilt. You're allowed to feed your family simple food when you're running on empty.
π Need to talk?
Most families wait until there's an emergency to start planning, which often leads to rushed decisions and unnecessary stress. Nayberly helps you get ahead of the curve with a personalized care plan that addresses what matters most to your family. Book a consultation and walk away with concrete next stepsβnot just more worry.
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π¬ A Final Thought
That's it for this week. Sibling dynamics during caregiving are messy, loaded, and often painful. But avoiding the conversation doesn't make the resentment go away β it just lets it grow roots.
You deserve support. And asking for it directly, specifically, and without apology is the first step toward getting it.
Hit reply and tell me: what's the hardest part of navigating caregiving with your siblings?
Have a wonderfully productive week!
Amber Chapman
Editorial Director
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